What a difference a month makes...

A month ago tonight...
...I was getting in bed anticipating another 2 full days before being induced for labor.
...I was planning to get at least 10 hours of sleep (in a row!), only interrupted by my usual 4 trips to the bathroom.
...I was thinking of all I was going to get done tomorrow (taxes, birth announcements, bills, mail, meal planning, house clean up for family coming in).
...I went to bed begging God to help me get through two more nights of heartburn, a sore back, tired muscles, an unending cough (some kind of pregnancy weird cough that went away with labor), and the unbearable anticipation of Kinsey's impending arrival.
...I was wondering if I'd remember the breathing exercises from childbirth class, wondering if contractions could possibly hurt as much as I'd been warned, and wondering what it would feel like to push this baby out.
...I thought my husband could not possibly show me anymore love than he already had.
...I woke up to go the bathroom at 3:30am, discovered that my water had broken, and my life changed forever.

In the last month I've learned...
...Babies come when THEY are ready. There's a reason they tell you to pack your bag for the hospital at 36 weeks. At any rate, it's good to have a list handy so that you have some idea of what to throw together in the middle of the night.
...3 hours of sleep in a row makes for a "good" night. I can't even remember what more than 4 felt like.
...The list of things to-do suddenly completely shifts in priority. I never used to have to put things like "brush my teeth, take a shower, get dressed" on my daily to-do list. Hence the fact that birth announcements will be mailed tomorrow, one month after I anticipated having them done :)
...Breathing exercises do help some, but contractions hurt way worse than I imagined. Also, finding out at the 16th hour that you'll need a c-section can be quite a shock.
...That I really didn't know how much my husband loved me. Douglas took very good care of me while I was pregnant, helping with cooking, cleaning, bringing me snacks, terrific amounts of patience, helping me up when I was sitting down, and in general being a really loving husband. After Kinsey was born, he completely blew my earlier concept of love. The care he showed for me during my recovery was more than I could've ever imagined. His tenderness, patience, and servant's heart toward me is something I will remember forever. Since then, he has supported me and been patient through all of the challenges with breastfeeding and my irritable nature due to sleeplessness, with more grace than I deserve.
...How simultaneously wonderful and impossibly hard motherhood is. Kinsey amazes me every day with her beautiful facial expressions, her tiny perfect little body, her precious sounds, weird bodily contortions, and her every other day massive poops. I love her more than I ever thought possible. But she is a complete enigma to me in so many ways. She cries for seemingly no reason, and finding the right way to soothe her can be maddening sometimes. There is no headache like that which comes from a screaming baby. And how the heck am I supposed to tell when she's hungry and when she just wants to suck on something? It's the same cue! She laughs in her sleep - a lot! Her whole face lights up and this giggle comes out. What is that about? And don't tell me gas!!! It warms my heart like nothing else. And when I look over and see her completely peaceful sleeping on her daddy's shoulder, I feel overcome with the urge to thank God for the blessing that is my family. And also overcome with the urge to run take a nap while Douglas has her :)
...That there are 3 women in my life who I could not have survived this last month without:
1 - My Mom, who selflessly left her own life for a total of almost two weeks to come live here with us and help me survive the first month of motherhood. There is apparently nothing she will not do for us, everything from grocery shopping to cooking to errand running to diaper changing to pulling all-nighters with an awake baby so I could get some sleep. Thank you Mom - you are the best and I am so grateful!
2 - Mary Jo, my other mom, who came over so many days and was such a calming presence to me. Nothing seems to faze this woman, not my stress, not a crying Kinsey, and not a wrecked out house. She cooked, cleaned, and most importantly allowed me to sleep. For someone with very little experience with babies, Mary Jo is a natural at being a grandmother and has been such a blessing to me during this time.
3 - Candy, my mom by marriage :). Her visits also made it possible for me to get much-needed rest by helping with cooking, cleaning, and baby loving. If she has one flaw, it's that she is an unstoppable clothing-buying force when paired with her son. Kinsey is going to need a new closet!!! In all seriousness, I really appreciate her taking the time to come out here and give Douglas and I a break for a while - she took the whole night shift without complaint!

For those of you who have been praying for us for the nursing situation, I officially quit trying this afternoon. I am still going to pump and give her breast milk and formula, but all of our efforts over the last 5 weeks have been to no avail in terms of my milk supply. Herbs, massage, pumping, nursing, and various contraptions have served to stress Kinsey and I out totally, but have not resulted in demonstrable increases in the amount of milk produced. So, after reaching a breaking point today, I just finally gave in. I am really disappointed that this didn't work out after all the effort we put in, but I am ok with giving up. It just isn't possible to let her nurse for over an hour every time she eats, knowing she is only getting at max, one ounce of breastmilk during that time, and she needs 3 oz at least to be full. So, thank you all for your prayers and support while we worked through this challenge.

Well, it's 12:30am, officially the day of Kinsey's one-month birthday and I'm sure I could type forever about all the lessons I've learned. And all of you experienced parents are probably thinking to yourselves that over the next 18 years of months, I will learn more than all the blogs have room for. And you are probably right. I must go now - gotta wake the baby and feed her. I pray that she goes back to sleep so I can get my whopping 2 hrs in a row!!